Hello again! In this series on Etiquette, we have explored table manners, introductions, true magic words and several systems of civility to help our kids and people to be confident in a variety of situations. (You can search etiquette at the top of the blog to find all the lessons.) This final lesson might just be the most important. Remembering that as parents, guardians and role models our main focus is to help these young people to become thriving adults. Part of the measure of success will be in the mastering of this final lesson.
I do not believe I am master of it yet. I am still learning. I am grateful and often humbled to still learn.
As a mother I want my children to have the confidence to carry themselves well, to make eye contact and speak clearly. I hope they have the fortitude to say no in tricky situations and have it mean something. I can teach them these things. However, they also have diverse personalities and propensities. One of my daughters at age 3 would often hide behind me in new situations because she was just nervous. One of my sons at age 2 whacked a stranger’s bum in the grocery store because she had bent over and he clearly saw the opportunity. (He is still a bit of a playful bum whacker, but he doesn’t do this to strangers anymore! Thank goodness!)
Each of my kiddos has had the opportunity to give class and group presentations. I helped them prepare and practice when they were young so they could be confident and present well. After many opportunities of successful preparation and presentation their nervousness diminished and they learned to approach presentations, classes and lessons with confidence. (True Tip: Practice brings confidence in all things: a musical instrument, a sport, an assignment and etc!) At this writing, my youngest is 15 years old and all 5 of my kiddos know how to comfortably make eye contact and speak up competently in a variety of situations. I have raised them to be contributing adults and so far that has worked out. I’m really happy and blessed in this. I don’t fear when they go into different situations, because I know they will be fine. They will still randomly stumble, just as we all stumble!
I hope they are confident enough to try new adventures, and humble enough to learn. This would be a beautiful combination for all of us really. Confident enough to try, but still humble enough to learn from difficulty and complications that undoubtedly are a part of this beautiful life.
The best way to teach the balance of confidence and humility may be through examining two $20 bills.
The first one is crisp and clean! It clearly represents an amount of money we value. Maybe looking at it brings to mind savings, or bills to pay, or the newest movie release you want to catch. This crisp twenty dollar bill can fit into our life quite nicely. I think we could easily recognize that it can add value to our life.
The second twenty dollar bill looks incredibly worn. It looks as though it has been through one too many transactions. It is ripped. It is faded. You are not even sure it would work if you tried to use it to pay for the movies. Can you turn it in to the bank for something newer? Something crisper? Does this actually add value to your life or will it just need to be fixed and fussed with?
Confidence and Humility is not only measure in how we take on each day or the next adventure. It also has to do with how we treat others in our lives. It cannot be taught in a single setting, but will need to be revisited, clearly exampled and reinforced, as will all things of true importance.
Are both of these $20 bills worth twenty dollars?
Yes.
One might be more attractive, cleaner and easier to deal with, but both are of equal worth.
What if we apply the same principle to people?
Does the successful movie actress claim more worth than the mentally ill homeless person?
Does a complaining neighbor have less worth than a kind friend?
Does the well spoken dynamic lawyer have more worth than a shy kindergarten teacher?
Does one gender matter more than another? Is one nationality worth more than another?
Does the person who is master of calculus matter more than the one who is struggling to learn math?
No. A thousand times no.
There are mixed messages available though many platforms right now, but we must clearly and boldly example kindness even to difficult people so our children may also learn to confidently treat others civilly and hopefully with kindness. At the end of the day, we may regret the way someone cut us off or spoke to us, but we will certainly regret our own unkind actions. So be kind. Practice kindness until it becomes a part of you.
When I teach my etiquette class, I also role play with the students on how to diffuse difficult situations. There is a small phrase that cannot be used in every situation, but it can certainly be used in our homes. “Can I help you?” When someone is angry, hungry or just out of sorts. Tone matters more than the words. Offering a sincere and humbly said “May I help you,” helps to diffuse a lot of difficulties. Even better if you notice the help they need. “Let me help you get all this in the car, so you are not late!” It is like diffusing a grenade! Hooray for the few who can do this!
You might be just what that person needed today.
This last lesson is the most important. I could say a lot about table manners and a quality presentation, but learning kindness in a variety of situations will bless you and those around you your entire life. If you would appreciate a short story about real live kindness: read this. 🙂 Or if you’d like to read a great story about kindness under difficulty then try this book.
Kindness. Pass it on. 🙂
