Ten Minute Magic…or the Art of Connection.

First let’s examine a bit of our disconnectedness. If you think you get the weight of our lack of connection…then skip ahead to the lists in bold below for a terrific way to connect! However, if you think a quick examination of where we place our attention all day might heighten your desire to connect with your loved ones, then read on. 🙂

A woman who had worked in a Day Care for more than 20 years wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper in a major city. It was printed in the Sunday paper (yes, it’s still a thing), she stated her humble position over the years of watching the connection between parents and children. Some of her favorite moments were at the end of the day when parent and child would most often enthusiastically embrace, excited to be in each other’s company again! However, still in her humble voice of an observer, she painted a scene in the last few years that had changed. Children still skipped and jumped to join with their returning parents, but more often than not, parents stared distractedly at a screen multitasking, and missing the connection with their child.

When I say missing the connection, I mean eye contact and shared smiles. You know–a moment to connect and validate your love and importance in each other’s lives. The woman from the day care said never had she seen such a lack of connection over the course of her 20 years. She made a heartfelt plea to all reading her letter to engage with our children. She feared the children were learning not to expect a connection.

I remember reading that letter years ago and feeling emotionally struck with the observation that I was seeing play out in many ways in my daily life. While out to eat one time, my husband and I were seated next to a man and his teenage daughter. What was unusual about this dinner was for being in such close proximity, I never heard them speak once, as they sat across from each other on their phones. They were in each other’s company but disconnected. No eye contact. No shared experiences. No validation or connection.

In teaching an etiquette workshop recently to a class of teenagers, they told me that when in a group, they often pull out their phones anytime there is a gap in the conversation and they don’t know what to say. Then, like a domino effect, everyone pulls out their phone so it won’t feel awkward, rather like a blue light security blanket.

Did you know there is a dramatic increase in anxiety and depression world wide? Many studies have been conducted trying to decode the decline in mental health. Some of the findings of these studies are pointing clearly towards the overuse of smart phones among all ages. Even though we are definitely more connected to our devices, we are truly less connected to real, live, tangible people and apparently to the detriment of our mental health. Our connection to our devices (addictions), while giving us a false sense of accomplishment and effectiveness are blocking our connection with loved ones

This is tricky territory. Our phones have made chatting with friends from high school ridiculously easy. Isn’t that connection? Apparently not. So on the one hand, do we applaud Apple and Samsung for having created hyper engaging and helpful devices allowing us to answer a text at a stoplight? Or do we blame them for capturing our eyes and attention for several hours of the day? What about the inventor of each app—do they take any blame for our addictions and thus anxiety?

Did you know marketing classes and instruction are set up with the motivation of capturing your eyes? That’s the target! If an app can create a need in you to check back daily—they’ve just captured your eyes. Success! Snap chat has streaks (how many days in a row will you snap back and forth with a friend), video games have free incentives for checking in daily, you may think of a few incentives that pull you back into your app of choice. All the while we are engrossed in our screens we are missing the daily connections with the people who secure us to reality, love and mental health.

I can wax quite verbose on this topic and the need to spark a change, to claim our eye balls back! The dire need to fight for connection with our families, friends and neighbors! To essentially fight for our mental well being! If we claim our eyes back, then we can have the connection to actually notice pain, joy, need, enthusiasm, and the myriad of other emotions we amazing creatures experience. We want to share those experiences! I promote if we connect to the few people who are truly in our lives, not the thousands we have scrolled by on Facebook, we will be in a better place!

I may not be able to persuade the world, but I would be thrilled if I persuaded you. Look at your people, make eye contact, share a laugh, share a cry, listen, love and validate. Connect! It is powerful! We will all be better and certainly more whole for it.

Okay end of discussion of the problem at least right now- Phew! You made it! How about I share a little 10 Minute Magic that is a powerful way to connect with eye contact and beyond!

Here’s the key, engage in an activity of your loved one’s choice for 10 minutes a day. This will be different for every person in your family. Sometimes it is quite obvious what your young child may crave, and definitely more tricky to decode what your teenager may need. The struggle is worth it. Please remember, I often speak in ideals, and we are going to fall short (I do every day!) But there is excellence in the trying! If you are able to connect with 10 minute magic 2-3 times a week with each member of your household, I would definitely call that a win!

10 Minute Magic Toddler Style: (age 0-3)

1. Reading to them (this is almost always my choice, but look close to see if it is truly their choice! If it is their choice–then the magic starts)
2. Building with Legos or Magnatiles or a cardboard castle! This was definitely a preference of my boys.
3. Play a game, perhaps one you are making up on the spot, something with stuffed animals or little trucks is always a hit.
4. These little ones often enjoy a good rousing game of peek-a-boo or a tickle fest!
5. The best thing to do, is try to join the activity your child is doing…join them in their imagination and then play together.

You get the idea. Get down in their space and see what would fill their cup! (Book to back up this concept!) This 10 minutes is the pure magic of bonding and validation. It is connection!

10 Minute Magic Elementary School Style:

1. Listen and make up knock-knock jokes. Or get a dad joke book and amuse each other for 10 minutes.
2. Help them clean their room (only if this is something they want) You may discover helping them organize a portion of their room might be a game changer for the morning rush.
3. Play! Soccer, Basketball, card games and etc. 10 minutes of their choice and if you have 15 minutes—what a bonus! Play with them something they love. I love the saying: “You can learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”
4. Listen to them. Whatever they are chatting about. Put down whatever distractions, make eye contact and be an active listener. This is a gift!
5. And etc… Eat a snack, go for ice cream, sit on a porch swing and make up a story. Time together, eye contact, good listening and maybe some giggling are key here!

10 Minute Magic Jr. High Style:

1. Throw a baseball, set volleyballs, help your kiddo practice something they love! Time them on a run or run with them!
2. Listen to a 10 minute recital of the cello, piano, oboe or whatever musical instrument your kiddo plays. Compliment their work!
3. Bake something together (or start it and if you have to return to something else, let your kiddo finish–they will still be excited to share!)
4. Play them in a video game, they will be thrilled to school you.
5. Listen, listen, listen. Kids this age need someone to help process their thoughts. You don’t need to “fix” just listen and give help only if asked. A good follow up question might be, how did that make you feel? Or what do you think you should do?

10 Minute Magic High School Style:

1. Make their favorite food and share it one on one.
2. Do something that alleviates their stress, like pick up supplies for their school project and help them for 10 minutes with it. This support feels like love.
3. Play! Tickle wars, pillow fight, steam roller and etc. show them you have not outgrown frivolity. They may not want this one, you might win them over by trying, or you may give up and settle into a decent conversation
4. Listen, listen, listen. Kiddos in high school are often struggling or their close friends are struggling with grades, comparison, gender identity, depression and a variety of stresses. Help them process.
5. Pretty much ice cream is a staple for opening up a conversation around here. Something about that sugar and cream that speaks love to lots of kiddos I know. 🙂
6. Dance party— put on some tunes of their choice and dance it out. The silliest wins!
7. Pick your own. Look at what they are working on—and try to fit in. Ping pong? Chess? Painting?

One of my buddies is a wizard at this age. She can get her teenagers laughing even if they are in the throes of grumpiness. She often resorts to tickling and joking and it works! Kiddos of this age regularly feel like they don’t measure up. Certainly the ideals they saw in their parents have crumbled, and they are looking to their friends for validation (many times on a screen). Connecting with them regularly on their terms will help them to bond and feel secure, tethered to their family.

10 Minute Magic for Adults:

I once heard my dad sweetly say “I have talked with my wife for hours about plants, I don’t really care about plants, but she does.” I was touched by the pure love in this statement. My dad invested time in conversations about plants not for himself, but to show love to his wife. I can attest that she loved plants, I guess I assumed he did too. Everyone needs connection. We are better together. All of the ideas listed above for various ages could be modified to suit adults in your life.

Here are a few more ideas–Adult Style:

1. Take a walk & listen.
2. Pour on the compliments about ways they are truly gifted.
3. Share a snack or dessert of their choice. My hubby LOVES Hot fudge and brownies. I love berries and chocolate. When we share a dessert and he lets me choose the flavor, it’s another way of showing me love and vice versa. (We shared a ruby chocolate ice cream with fresh berries and mini chocolate chips at a nitrogen ice cream place a week ago—Oh my yum! Such deliciousness!)
4. Listen attentively without distraction. Don’t look at your watch or your notifications. They can wait!
5. Play! Seriously—sports, games, whatever gets you connected!
6. Do a work out together and cheer each other on. I love doing this with my grown daughter! I totally love doing this with my 15 year old son, he can seriously out do me on push ups, but I will always trump him on squats!
7. Make some paper airplanes and have a flight contest or something simple and mindless that allows for stress free connection.
8. Print out conversation starters and take them to lunch with your friend, spouse or kid! It’s fun to connect in new ways!

I don’t necessarily feel that movie watching together counts—unless you have maybe both read the book and connected on it. The point is to get eye contact and share experiences without a screen. Although I do love a good movie!

So if this is a new concept to you, jump in! After a week of investment in your loved ones, you will also be gushing about 10 Minute Magic! And for goodness sake, please share in the comments about your wins! If you do something amazing, we want to copy so everyone can win!

P.S. If you are looking for a way to alleviate the suffering of others, there are thousands of rest homes with residents who would love a listening ear and a connection. 10 Minute Magic might be the perfect gift for a stranger today. Make it a family date!