I am the youngest of 9 kids. My parents were great! They worked hard to provide for us the things that we needed and raised us to serve others and contribute. By the time I came around, however, I think a couple of things were forgotten about, or just not thought of. Nothing huge, just things like a homemade stocking, or personalized something that everyone else had. No big deal. Until I was 13 and my father and I were driving up to Utah from Southern California in the summer. I don’t remember all the details around the trip. I think my sister had had a baby and we were coming to visit and pick up my mom who had been there to help out. Anyway, somewhere in southern Utah among the tumble weeds and mountains, I suddenly heard my father say, “Kayleen, it’s time that we had ‘the talk.'” “Wait, what? Really, we don’t need to,” I thought. I was super confused about what was going on and found myself desperately trying to melt into the back of my seat. No. Please stop. Trapped. No escape. I don’t know how long that conversation went on, but it was all kinds of awkward–aside from the fact that it was a hostage situation with no way out–he and I had never spoken about it before, so I did NOT want to start at the age of 13 when I was beginning to decide, in all my teenage wisdom, that I knew more than him!
Anyway, I got through it. He said stuff, I grunted in response occasionally and then I remember not making eye contact with him for maybe the next 5 years. That may have had more to do with me than that conversation, but I digress.
Now, fast forward ahead a couple decades and here I am with a 13 year old of my own. I promised myself that I would speak with him sooner than my parents spoke with me. Sex is everywhere. On shows, in books, spoken about by people that aren’t aware of your kid standing near them. I actually tried speaking with my oldest about sex early on. We had spoken about animals breeding, how you need a male and a female to make a baby, and how mommies have to push babies out of their bodies. We also had planted pumpkins in our backyard and learned the difference between a male and female flower and fertilization–I will share that another time! I remember when he was in 3rd grade (8 years old) I tried broaching the subject to evaluate what he knew or wanted to know about it. He was oblivious and didn’t really understand what I was asking him. So I shelved the conversation and retried every 6ish months to see where he was. Finally, when he was 10, almost 11, my husband spoke with him about it. All the parts, roles and consequences of sex. My son made little eye contact as he digested all the information. I then spoke with him about it a week or so later to give him a female perspective. Since that one time we have independently mentioned things to him as they have come up. My oldest is an avid reader. I often will read the books that he reads so I can be available to discuss with him its subject matter. When sex is spoken about or alluded to in a book that he’s read we’ll talk about how it’s not something to take lightly, or how the characters could have handled something differently.
After all of these little “talks” about this big subject, one day I found myself speaking with him about sexually transmitted infections because it was mentioned in an article that I had shared with my husband while my oldest was in the room. I turned to explain it a little further to my son when halfway through our discussion I realized that he was making eye-contact with me. He didn’t even flinch as we spoke. He even asked a couple of questions. Now, he’s a little more hesitant about it than he is when he talks about Legos, or running, or science class, but he doesn’t shy away from the subject. After he went to bed that night I was overcome with joy. I want to be the resource that my kids seek out in regards to the sacred subject of sex. I don’t want them to feel like it’s some secret that they can’t ask me about or for which they should seek answers on the internet.
My experience with speaking about sex with each kid has been different for sure and I’m still not done with those experiences. My daughter has been very scientific about it all asking a ton of questions about the role of ovaries and testes and hormones and the like–much to my surprise and delight!
I consider this subject to be much like exercise, if I want my muscles to stay strong I need to work them out regularly. The same applies here, as with all aspects of my relationship with my kids. If I want them to confide in me and trust that I will give them answers to tricky questions, then I need to keep “the talk” ongoing.
This way, when they find themselves sitting in a car with me on a long road trip, they will not feel like melting into the seat, but will lean into the conversation–or at the very least, still make eye contact with me! 🙂
Kayleen
