When one of my sons was in kindergarten I remember suggesting to him that he hold the door open for the girl behind him and let her go first. He immediately balked at the idea. Why would he let her go first? I told him that it would be a nice gesture. He didn’t like it, wasn’t having it, didn’t want to do it. I had not had this experience of resistance from a kid about doing something nice for someone else before. (Don’t you worry, I am well-versed in the experience of children being contrary now 😉 ). The idea had obviously stuck in his head as over the course of the next few weeks he asked me questions about why boys couldn’t go first because he wanted to be first too. Discussions of taking turns, equity, and respect ensued. It’s tricky reasoning with a 5 year old sometimes. I ultimately told him that he should just start with holding the door open for someone and see how he feels about it. So the next time we were entering a building and were followed by people I suggested that he run ahead and hold the door open for the people behind us. Luckily, those that followed us thanked him and it was a good experience for him. From then on he’d run to the door to hold it open for others, both boys and girls. There it was–the ability to recognize a need and take the opportunity to serve others, even though he had wanted to do things differently.
Fast forward a few years and that same son of mine came into my car after having been at a basketball camp. He excitedly told me about how well he had done in a shooting contest and how some of his friends at the camp had been eliminated from the contest….by girls!!! He shook his head and laughed. I looked at him, surprised, and said, “Why is that funny?” He repeated, “Because the girls eliminated him.” Now, please know, I’m an obnoxiously independent woman, so when I heard this statement coming from my own son, I was shocked. I decided not to act shocked so as not to shut down the opportunity for him to learn a better way. I took a breath and said, “If your older sister were to beat them would you think that was funny?” He said, “No.” I continued, “If your good friend that’s a girl beat them would you think that was funny?” Realization starting to creep up on his face, “No.” I went on, “So why would you laugh at a boy that was not as good at a girl that is clearly as athletic and had practiced just as much as them?” Bewildered he replied, “I don’t know. Everyone just kind of did and so I thought it was funny too.” We went on to talk about how he would feel if boys were to make fun of his sisters for being good at the sports that they played. I asked if he would be upset if people thought it was funny that I had won in an athletic contest against a boy. He definitely got it. We talked about how he can be the guy that supports the girls for being awesome, for trying, or just for showing up. Too many girls let go of their athletic ambitions due to lack of confidence and I didn’t want him to be a part of the group that discouraged anyone that was destined for great things if only they had had a little encouragement. He agreed. This particular kid has a lot of friends–both boys and girls. I realize that this is not the only time that I will have to discuss this with him, but at least we’ve got the conversation started. This experience was a good eye opener for me. Peer pressure isn’t just feeling pressured to do things you don’t want to do, sometimes it’s falling into the same mindset as those around you–even if it goes against the values that you have in your own head and heart.
One last thought. We are good friends with a family of 3 daughters. My kids really love hanging out with this family. One day over the summer we were at a park and my older boys tried to push their oldest girl in the creek. They were all playing around and laughing, even their mom was. I suddenly felt intensely defensive of this girl. My oldest daughter was trying to help her–it really was all in good fun, but I could see how it could turn at any moment. I didn’t want my boys to make this girl feel trapped or attacked in any way that didn’t feel fun anymore. I walked up to my oldest and quietly said, “You need to respect her. If she is saying, ‘no’ you stop.” He looked at me, surprised at my tone and said, reassuringly, “I know, Mom. I will.” I suddenly felt at ease again. This experience was a good one for me to see the different ways that I need to teach my people how to interact with others.
All these experiences have taught me that just because I have certain values and beliefs doesn’t mean that my kids will share those value and beliefs. If we choose not to teach our children to respect others, we cannot expect that they will, just like my son laughed when his friends laughed at that girl winning the basketball contest, our kids will learn whatever they are shown regularly, let’s make sure we do our part in showing them the right way–showing them a better way, and maybe even holding the door open for them too.
Kayleen
