Once upon a time when I only had a couple of kids, I started saying, “Goodnight, Sweet dreams, I love you,” at bedtime. We lived in a 2 bedroom duplex before moving to our current home. I’d stand at the door as I slowly closed it and would repeat that phrase several times before the door closed completely. They would respond by saying the same thing after me. At one point I had 4 kids sleeping in that 2nd bedroom! It became a little mantra and we’d see who could say it last before the door would close. Even if I wasn’t the one to put them to bed, if I got home before they had fallen asleep, I’d always sneak my head in and whisper it. This has become one of my favorite traditions. Even if I am rushed as I close the door, my people are sure to say it if I have not. When my 6th grader went away for a couple of nights to Outdoor Education with her class I wrote her a note that said, “Goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you x 2!!”
At some point during all of this I started randomly laying in bed next to a kid to further discuss their day. During dinner we often talk about our favorite parts of the day and our hardest parts of the day. If one of my kids mentions something awesome, I will revel in that amazing experience with them for a little bit while I lay next to them. If one of them mentions something that seemed particularly hard, I will ask further questions to understand how they are coping.
As I have done this more and more, I have realized that my kids open up to me as I lay there in the dark with them. I join them for prayers, give them a squeeze, then I lay down next to them and stare into the dark with them. Often they divulge things that they wouldn’t normally as we lay there. It could be that they feel safe in the dark, less exposed. Maybe it’s that they know they have my undivided attention. It could also be just decompressing from the day’s events. These moments are precious to me. I feel closer to them. I SEE them more clearly as they express their fear, or sadness. Their pride, or triumph. I give encouraging words. We laugh sometimes, and have cried together at other times, but mostly, I just listen. There is a special thing about talking softly in the dark while you lay next to your little person…or not-so-little person.
If I find that my kid is not feeling so talkative, or maybe is really tired, I will then share something about my day, or even a story from my childhood. It is important for us to confide in our children if we want them to confide in us!
I don’t do it every night. I don’t want to do it so much that they feel less inclined to tell me things. It is a delicate balance. Especially with my oldest. I feel like sometimes I have to ask just enough questions for him to open up. But when he does, it is awesome and I’d like to believe that that connection leaves them feeling as peaceful and content as I do when I leave.
Ultimately, I want for them to see me as a soft space to land, a trusted advisor, and a confidant. This way, when we get upset at each other, as is inevitable, we can recover quickly and grow together.
Our kids are with us for only just a short time. So next time you are tucking your kid into bed, don’t rush to close the door on the day!! Have them scoot over lay down and discover the magic of spending 2 extra minutes with them.
May we slow down enough to truly see them! Even when the room is dark!
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Kayleen
