Everyone has people in their life who are hard. It’s definitely part of the learning curve of life.
There are people who are onery, argumentative, rude or dismissive and more. Some days we are in the right frame of mind, to just let it roll off of us, but some days we want to retaliate and give back the same rudeness that is dished out. No one wins in that situation.
It could be easily argued that returning rudeness is a popular method right now online and in person. Equally true, it is easy to see that sliding to the base level of unkind reciprocation has not benefitted anyone, or society as a whole. In fact more people feel lonely, isolated and disconnected than ever before. (https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/reports/loneliness-in-america)
By way of full disclosure, I am a debater, or at least I used to be. I know how to make my point and can articulate calmly but in a cutting manner in an argument. As a teenager, I verbally leveled a sibling or two, demeaned a parent and belittled a few classmates. I knew how to work an argument. I also have learned that those arguments leave wounds in their wake. There is a small rush of vindictive victory in the short term. That immediate headiness of the well crafted retort is soon overtaken by the true aftermath of the relationship. During this time, I heard my older brother brag to a friend of his, that no one could win in an argument against me. I felt a flash of pride, he actually thought I was good at something! I may have been a person hard to love. Certainly I was a person who could win in a debate. Someone had to be kind to me to teach me a better way.
Why be kind?
Let’s start small: someone has to be the voice of reason and civility! Someone has to keep the conversation from becoming an argument. You know the saying: It takes two to tango. Well when it comes to dancing, please by all means: Dance! However, when it comes to arguing, please resist being the second party to engage, even when unfairly provoked.
Looking at the bigger picture. Who do you want to be? Do you want your day to be shaped by the whims and moods of the people around you? Of course we will always be affected to some degree by our interactions with others! Imagine responding with a soft voice, or gentleness, when an accusation or rudeness begin. The argument has no where to go. You, we, all humans can practice the self discipline that leads to tremendous strength of character. We can be the calm. (However hard it may be!)
The only person you can control is you! Even that can be a struggle. However, you will have the best effect on the people around you by controlling yourself. So practice everyday. Practice when it’s hard and you want to retaliate. Practice a calm response and feel the enormous victory of self discipline. It is incredibly sweet, much sweeter than the stinging retort you could hurl and with no bitter aftermath.
This will never make you better than other humans. Nope, but it will improve you! In fact you will likely be mocked for being weak or cowardly, even by people close to you. However, anyone who has tried, knows it takes more strength to resist the argument than to simply give in. In your efforts to become your best self, continue to master your reactions. Act in kindness, speak positively and point out the good.
It is medicinal. It is strength. It is healing.
We are all works in progress. Beautifully so! You never know if your kind words will help a determined debater to see a new way to engage. Like water on a flame, the argument can’t help but be quenched, when no one is building it.
Instead, let’s build the people around us. Especially in our families. Building does not happen in an argument. We can help counteract the loneliness that arguing is leaving in it’s wake.
From a recovering expert debater, who has walked both sides of the argument. The grass really is greener over here. Try love. Try kindness. Be kind to hard to love people.
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