I am feeling the impending presence of another teen in my house! Haha, not a bad thing, I love teens!! But my 2nd oldest is turning 13 in two short months and I am doing my best to keep the lines of communication open with her, and her older brother. So far, here’s what I’ve learned!
1.Make eye contact with them while they speak with you. I know it seems trite, but hear me out! Teens today (and really, all people) are deprived of important eye contact opportunities. Technology of all sorts takes up so much attention that we often fail to look each other in the eyes. Help your kids by giving them that attention. Look at their eyes. Admire their irises!! Smile and engage as they speak. It will help you form a connection with them. They may feel awkward at first, but they will learn to know that they are important enough for you to focus on, even if the conversation is brief.
2. If you feed them, they will talk! I remember a woman in my church congregation saying years ago, long before my kids were teens, that she’d take her teens to get a little something to eat on the way home from school sometimes. On days that she really felt like there was more to what was going on in their lives, especially! She said, they would just eat and open up. I tucked that info away for a rainy day and have found that it is so true! It doesn’t have to be food purchased right the,, it can be their favorite sandwich that I make and bring with me to pick them up, or a favorite candy. It all gets them talking, somehow defenses are all let down upon consumption of calories. Try it, and do your best to just listen as they download!
3. Have an inside joke, but don’t overplay it! I do my best to remember the little things that my kids REALLY laugh at. You know, the times they just give in to the laughter and enjoy something. Those are the things that I’ll revisit, even just with a one word reminder to get them to smile or side-eye-glance my way with a headshake of acknowledgement. See them, recognize their enjoyment and remind them of it.
4. Remind them that everyone needs to feel loved! I read somewhere that we hug for too short of a time to really reap the benefits of it. The article said the average hug lasts about 5 seconds, whereas it takes 20 seconds to release oxytocin and for both parties to feel loved. I totally put this to the test…turns out it works. I began hugging my kids for 20 seconds. Sometimes counting aloud, sometimes just squeezing them for a little too long which made them start laughing or ask if I was ok, haha. I finally shared with my oldest about the article that I read. If a few days had passed without my having given him a hug I’d come up to him and say, “I think it’s time for you to feel loved by me!” It has become a little bit of a joke, but by the time the hugs are done I always ask, “Do you feel loved?” Every time he says, “Yes, Mom.” My younger kids have seen me doing this to my oldest and have begun to join in on the counting as they come and give me hugs. Go try it. Hug someone for 20 seconds. Pay attention to how it makes you feel. Give in to its goodness! It really is magic!
5. Play with them!! I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that teens benefit from playing with their families, not just their friends! Get out a board game, sports ball, video game, tickle them–whatever! Just give them the opportunity to be kids with you still. Even if their age is a lot closer to 20 than 10, play with that kid, we all need some playing in our lives, fun is what we look forward to, so go do it!!
As our kids get bigger and maybe a little less huggable, hug them still! As they pull away, let’s remind them that their home is with us! I hope to be the soft landing for my people when they need it, and the safe space to download their day too! Teens are the best, except for when they’re not, and we’ll love them anyway!! 😉
Kayleen
