No one seems to travel through life without getting a few bumps and bruises, or maybe even a gash. Often these marks and scars happen by interaction with our fellow humans. However, the people who can set down the inevitable grievances and difficulties are the ones who tend to be the most balanced and happy.
I’m a big fan of exercise. Getting outside and walking, jogging or happily roller blading is such a great way to leave behind pressures for a time. Plus it’s good for you to get that heart pumping and breathe deeper! Hooray! Lifting weights is also fantastic for developing muscles and becoming strong. It seems that this is also true for emotional strength. If you don’t ever have to deal with heavy things, you may never become stronger.
If you are reading this article, chances are you have been hurt before. It’s also probable that you have hurt someone else as well. It seems to be part of the human experience. We balance somewhere between selfishness and generosity and many times unintentionally hurt or disappoint people along the way.
Are you carrying some of that hurt with you still?
Peculiarly we find ourselves in the role of victim often, whether perceived or factual. We are victims of circumstance, of someone’s selfishness, or of a company who was more interested in profits than people. Sometimes we are victims of tragedies such as a serious car accident or terrible abuse. I can’t begin to guess what you have experienced or what troubles you now. My hope and encouragement is that you choose forgiveness regardless of the difficulty. Let go of the burden, unkindness, and abuse you have experienced. Put down that weight. It is the way to peace. It is the way to joy.
Let’s look a couple of remarkable examples of people who went through terrible atrocities and then chose forgiveness.
Eva Kor lived for 9 months in Auschwitz during the second world war. Eva had been separated from her parents and 2 of her sisters upon arrival to the concentration camp. She was 10 years old. She was subjected to medical experiments via injections at the hands of Nazi doctors. She survived the experiments and the concentration camp. She then went on to tell her story and to educate others for decades about the Holocaust and to advocate for forgiveness. In commenting on the choice to forgive Eva said: “…it became a gift to me too. I was finally free of what happened in Auschwitz emotionally,” she added. “I was in charge of my own feelings.” (Eva’s Story)
Tiki Finlayson’s 25 year old son was killed while coming home from work by a drunk driver. Tiki purposely chose forgiveness. She said “Even though I didn’t feel like forgiving, even though I wanted to do something completely opposite, I knew that I didn’t want that moment in time to trap me in a prison for something that she did.” Then surprisingly, but still purposely, Tiki befriended the driver of the car over the next few years. The two women spoke together to raise awareness in a powerful presentation on the consequences of drinking and driving. When asked about her choice to forgive, Tiki said forgiveness is a “daily choice.” (Tiki’s Story)
How is it possible that people who have suffered such tremendous loss can choose forgiveness and yet we hear everyday about angry squabbles that are incredibly insignificant? Someone cut us off in traffic, the waitress was slow, or an argument between classmates escalates. Why do people choose to carry the small offences of others around with them every day? I understand we are human and as such, we will never benefit by carrying the extra emotional weight, and the decision is ours. There is a choice point where we choose to carry the anger or frustration or we simply choose to put that weight down.
When I was a young, my grandfather chose to abuse a few of us grandkids repeatedly over time. It was terrible. I mostly learned to run and hide when he came to visit, but he always managed to find us. When the truth came out, my parents didn’t know quite what to do which was often a “normal” response for the 80s. Even police officers at the time sheepishly backed up and figured that was a family mess that needed to be sorted privately. So unfortunately not only did the abuse happen, but then the sloppily handled aftermath left a mark on us kiddos.
I was fifteen years old when everything was exposed. I had no idea that he was abusing others as well. That may be some of the worst of it! Sometimes we have to wrestle with our circumstances and try to make sense of it. It took a while for me to understand that I was schlepping a weight around with me. When I finally understood that I didn’t want to continue to carry the terrible events with me, I choose to forgive. Then I was able to move on. That choice point has blessed my life for decades.
This is a topic fraught with complications. We are much more open as a society now in speaking of atrocities so that they are not repeated. I think that is important. I also know from my own experience that in order to have peace we must just LET GO and forgive the mistakes, however egregious, of others. I can write a moment here about how trauma needs a good therapist and time heals difficulties, which can be true. However, the truth I know is that forgiveness for Eva and Tiki was a choice. So it is for all of us.
If we wish for peace and not a prison of our own making, let us set down the weight and forgive. May we choose forgiveness everyday in the big and the little. May we all choose to let go of the weights we do not need to carry.
This article is not only about forgiveness, but it is about love as well. When we set down the animosity, and let go of the feeling of being a victim, we break through to a place of love and peace. We are able to see the humanity in all people and act with compassion. Eva did it. Tiki did it and was able to make an unlikely new friend. She traded difficulty for love and both people were blessed for it, despite the heavy tragedy.
Was a co-worker rude to you? Let it go. Does your neighbor love to debate polarizing topics? Let it go? Has a family member hurt your feelings? Let it go. Most of these interactions are unintentional or the by product of thoughtlessness. Let it go. Choosing to let go is a gift to all involved including yourself. Allow love to flow through you and let’s be grateful for the people who choose to forgive us and others as well.
If you wish to talk with your children about the Holocaust, Kayleen has great ideas and a book here!
If you would like a book that helps you wrangle difficulty and choose to forgive then I love this one!
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